A Chihuahua's Daily Schedule, From Her Side

I have lived with my chihuahua for six years now. In that time I have come to realize that she does not, in any sense the household had originally signed up for, live on my schedule. I live on hers. I am writing this column from her perspective, with brief annotations from me where the framing is unfair to the household. The annotations are, on examination, a small minority. The framing is mostly accurate.

I want to be clear about authorship. The column is written by me, the human. The perspective I am ventriloquizing is hers. She has not, technically, reviewed the draft. I have, in good faith, attempted to represent her position as accurately as I can.

6:00 a.m. , The Wake-Up Call

The household is, at this hour, asleep. This is not, on my reading of the contract, acceptable. I have several options for addressing the situation: standing on the human's chest, sighing audibly, or the more efficient option of placing my face approximately two inches from the human's face and waiting. The third option resolves the situation within ninety seconds in most cases.

(Annotation from the human: The dog wakes me up at 6:00 a.m. by means I have, by long observation, learned to recognize. Most days I get up immediately. The sighing-audibly version of the wake-up is rarer than she suggests; the face-two-inches-from-mine version is, on accurate accounting, the standard.)

6:15 a.m. , The First Bathroom Trip

The household is now standing in the kitchen at 6:14 a.m. operating the coffee machine. This is also not, on my reading, the priority. I have communicated by means of standing at the door and watching the human in a manner the human has, after several years, learned to interpret as "go outside now." The human typically interprets this within thirty seconds.

7:00 a.m. , Breakfast, Theoretically on Schedule

The food is supposed to be in the bowl at 7:00 a.m. The food is, on most days, in the bowl somewhere between 6:58 and 7:04. The variation is, in my view, not acceptable but is, on careful examination, not worth the additional negotiation effort. I have other matters to attend to.

(Annotation: I aim for 7:00 a.m. and hit it most days. The dog is, in honest accounting, accurate that some days are 7:04, but the framing of "not acceptable" overstates it. She arrives at the bowl regardless.)

7:30 a.m. , Morning Walk Negotiation

The walk happens, in our household, at 7:30 a.m. The walk's duration is supposed to be twenty minutes. I have, over six years, conducted a careful series of trial-and-error tests to determine the actual upper bound, which appears to be twenty-eight minutes, and the actual lower bound, which appears to be twelve minutes. The household, on most days, falls within a range I find acceptable. A separate piece on walks covers the human's structural framing; my framing is more accurate.

8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. , Structured Nap, Light Surveillance

The household has, by 8:00 a.m., transitioned to whatever activity it pursues during the morning. I am, during this period, in a structured nap with light surveillance: one ear monitoring the household's movements; the other ear monitoring the perimeter; my eyes mostly closed; my body in a position of strategic readiness. If anything happens, I am ready. Most of the time, nothing happens. The vigilance is its own work.

11:30 a.m. , The Lunch Window That Does Not Exist But Should

I have, over six years, attempted to negotiate a small mid-day meal. The household has, on every available accounting, declined. I have accepted this but the negotiation continues, in the form of a brief 11:30 a.m. arrival at the kitchen during meal-prep periods. The household's compliance with my staffing model has been, on this point, disappointing.

(Annotation: She is fed twice a day, 7 a.m. and 6 p.m., per veterinary recommendation. The 11:30 a.m. attempt is real but is, on the household's accounting, a soft veto rather than a denied request.)

12:30 p.m. , The Lap Hour

The household member who works from home transitions, at 12:30 p.m., to a position on the couch that is approximately compatible with my preferred lap arrangement. I am, on most days, in the lap by 12:32. The arrangement runs for between forty and sixty minutes, depending on the household member's schedule. This is the most productive hour of the day, by my accounting.

4:00 p.m. , Sun Spot Surveillance

The afternoon sun reaches the dining room rug at approximately 4:32 p.m. I am, in advance, in position by 4:15. The sun spot rotates across the rug as the afternoon progresses; I rotate with it. The household has, on a small available margin, moved the dining room table six inches in 2019 to widen the spot. This was, in my view, the correct decision.

5:30 p.m. , Pre-Dinner Vigilance

Dinner is, on the household's stated schedule, at 6:00 p.m. I have, over six years, determined that pre-dinner vigilance, which begins approximately thirty minutes before the stated time, slightly improves the household's punctuality. The improvement is small but real.

6:00 p.m. , Dinner, Then the Evening Rotation

Dinner is in the bowl, on most days, at 6:00 p.m. plus or minus three minutes. The food is identical to breakfast. I do not, in my evaluation, have strong views on the food itself, but I have considered the household's consistency on the timing to be, on the available evidence, satisfactory.

6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m. , Lap Time, Reading-Aloud, the Pillow Fort

The evening is, on most days, the most acceptable section of the household's schedule. The household member sits on the couch. I am on the lap. The reading-aloud session, when it happens, is the highlight of the day. The pillow fort, on cold afternoons, is also acceptable. A separate piece on activities covers the household's framing of these arrangements; my framing differs in emphasis.

10:00 p.m. , Bedtime, Sometimes Negotiated

Bedtime is, on the household's stated framework, at 10:00 p.m. I am, on most nights, in agreement with this. The brief late-night water-bowl visits I sometimes initiate are, on careful reading, structural rather than negotiable.

3:00 a.m. , The Stare

There is a phenomenon in which I sometimes wake the household at 3:00 a.m. by sitting two inches from the human's face and staring without specific purpose. I will be honest: I do not, in any way the household has been able to determine, have a specific purpose. The stare is a structural check-in. The household is, in some sense, the metric. The check-in resolves within ninety seconds.

(Annotation: The 3 a.m. stare is real and is one of the great unsolved questions of our shared household. I have, on every honest accounting, no idea what she is doing.)

The End of the Column, Briefly

The household runs, on my evaluation, on most days. The schedule above is, on six years of careful observation, the actual one. The household believes itself to be running its own schedule; the household's stated schedule is approximately accurate but the underlying drivers are, on careful examination, mine. The cushion is mine. The 4:32 p.m. sun spot is mine. The 6 a.m. wake-up is, on every available reading, mine.

The system, on the available evidence, runs. The AKC's lifestyle archive covers the broader category of which this is one specific household's version.